helping my Dad exchange a cell phone

My father, who’s 81 and half blind, lost his cell phone sometime during December, so he went to the cell phone store to get a new one. I asked him how he liked his new one and he was non-committal.

That should’ve been my first clue.

Before Christmas Day, I asked Dad to make sure to take the cell phone to the nursing home so I could Merry Christmas my mother, who’s been in the home since earlier this year. I waited for his call all Christmas Day, but it never came. Later, when I spoke to him, he said that he remembered to bring it, but he didn’t know how to use it.

Right about now, you’d hear the Robot from Lost In Space hollering “Warning! Danger, Will Robinson!” And he’d be right.

When I got to Columbia to visit on the Saturday before New Year’s, I was really glad to see my mother and then my dad. I’d been worried about them, especially as Dad had been living alone since Mom went into the nursing home. At some point in during our reunion, Dad bent over to pick up something and his new cell phone fell out of his shirt pocket.

I was aghast that someone had actually sold my father a Motorola Razor. Really, is that the first cell phone that comes to your mind when you think “octogenarian?” Are you frakkin' kidding me?

I proceeded to quiz Dad about his new phone and found that the display was hard to see and he wasn’t sure what numbers he was punching on the keyboard since he couldn’t tell the difference between the different numbers. Ye Gods. At that point, I made a resolution to take him to the cell phone store to exchange for something he can see, like a Samsung Sync (which my wife and I both agree has a better and bigger display and keyboard).

My own bias made me think that some young rookie salesman took advantage of my father, but when I met the salesman, he was probably my age (mid-forties). He really should’ve known better. I almost decided to take his ass out back and beat him to a frakkin' pulp. But... I took Dad on a tour of several cell phones to get his reaction to the screens and the keyboards.

My father wants to please, and there were several times where he wanted to give up on this quest. Especially when he realized we were keeping them past closing. On New Year’s Eve. I did not have such qualms – ‘cause I wasn’t gonna leave the cell phone store until my Dad was happy with his cell phone.

Even if it took all frakkin’ night.

He said the thought he could use the Motorola. He asked me what was the difference between that and the other phones we tried. “Well,” I said, “Your phone has a camera and this one doesn’t.”

He looked at me as if I’d spoken classic French in the middle of a bar-be-que joint. “Why would I need a camera on my cell phone?”

I truly didn’t have an answer for him on that. Even though I've been looking for a Bluetooth/camera/music cellphone. Which would've frakked his head had I attempted to explain it to him.

We finally found a Samsung candybar that had the big numbers and a big enough keyboard to where he could tell the difference between the numbers. It came with a pouch that he could clip onto his belt; so he didn’t have to put it in his shirt pocket to allow it to slide out.

The next day, after charging his new phone, I watched him slip it into his shirt pocket. I as ked him a little later if he had his belt pouch, and he admitted that he didn’t have it. He told me he’d left it by the charger. He’d put it on later.

Right…