Really? Burger King cologne?
You WANT to smell like meat?
Oh yeah, THAT's going on the gift list.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
What the hell happened to Barry Manilow?
OK, yes, I understand that this is not a burning subject for just about anyone. But I've always respected Mr. Manilow as an artist; he's had a very creative run, and whether or not you liked his music, you gotta admit he had some class and style.
But now I think Barry's gone too far.
In previewing his latest disc, "The Greatest Songs of the Eighties," I'm wondering in what alternative space/time continuum were THESE songs the greatest of that very weird decade. Allow me to count the ways in which this sucks:
1. Islands In The Stream (with Reba McEntire)
I liked this a lot better as Pras' "Ghetto Superstar" from the Bulworth soundtrack.
2. Open Arms
This was a song that I made out to when I was a teenager, so this is one of three songs that I will not quibble with.
3. Never Gonna Give You Up
Really, Barry? Rickrolling us just three songs into the disc?
4. Have I Told You Lately
Though I will always prefer the original, this is the only the second song on this list that I will not quibble with. Then again, I do believe Rod Stewart did it better in the nineties. Oh god, please don't follow this crap up with "Best of the Nineties!"
5. I Just Called To Say I Love You
Possibly Stevie Wonder's most egregious crime in his career. Why in god's name do we need another reminder of this hair-pulling list of unfinished lyics masquerading as a song?
6. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)
Oh, for god's sake. Hasn't Phil Collins made enough money off this dreck?
7. Careless Whisper
It would be infinitely more enjoyable to listen to Barry doing unpleasant things to George Michael's private parts than to hear this song again in my lifetime.
8. Right Here Waiting
Richard Marx? What, did you miss getting a mullet back in the 80's, Barry?
9. Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)
Actually, you could've covered another Christopher Cross song, "Sailing," which would've made more sense here. Instead, we get another limp performance of a mediocre movie theme.
10. Hard To Say I'm Sorry
And yet, the apologies should've started nine tracks earlier.
11. Time After Time
OMG - this was actually a great song in the eighties. So, that's three. Three out of...
12. (I've Had) The Time Of My Life
Re-insert 'limp performance of a mediocre movie theme' meme here.
So, what SHOULD Barry have recorded? Out of the twelve songs on this disc, only three were not awful, depraved and uninspired choices. So here are the nine he should've done, in order to claim that greatest of the eighties title.
1. I Melt With You - Modern English
This is one that few people can screw up on a karaoke night. It's low hanging fruit - mainly 'cause everyone else is singing along with you!
2. Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
It's got a good beat, you can dance to it, and you don't have to hide the fact that you love this song.
3. Livin' On a Prayer - Bon Jovi
They had great hair and they rocked us all. 'Nuff said.
4. All She Wants to Do Is Dance - Don Henley
Shake your booty with social commentary.
5. Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer
You could even remake the video for this, but have drag queens instead of ice queens writhing with guitars in the background. It'd be something you could easily restage in Vegas, baby!
6. We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
Get your leathers out of the closet and just go nuts with the makeup, you know you want to.
7. Just A Friend - Biz Markie
The only rap song you could sing better than the original - true that.
8. Eat It - Weird Al Yankovic
Covering two for the price of one, you'll get geek cred and street cred in one shot, plus up your humor quotient.
9. Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Could be helpful in explaining to your less-observant fans why you've never married, dude.
BTW, I have a guest post on Nate's blog and you can read it here.
But now I think Barry's gone too far.
In previewing his latest disc, "The Greatest Songs of the Eighties," I'm wondering in what alternative space/time continuum were THESE songs the greatest of that very weird decade. Allow me to count the ways in which this sucks:
1. Islands In The Stream (with Reba McEntire)
I liked this a lot better as Pras' "Ghetto Superstar" from the Bulworth soundtrack.
2. Open Arms
This was a song that I made out to when I was a teenager, so this is one of three songs that I will not quibble with.
3. Never Gonna Give You Up
Really, Barry? Rickrolling us just three songs into the disc?
4. Have I Told You Lately
Though I will always prefer the original, this is the only the second song on this list that I will not quibble with. Then again, I do believe Rod Stewart did it better in the nineties. Oh god, please don't follow this crap up with "Best of the Nineties!"
5. I Just Called To Say I Love You
Possibly Stevie Wonder's most egregious crime in his career. Why in god's name do we need another reminder of this hair-pulling list of unfinished lyics masquerading as a song?
6. Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)
Oh, for god's sake. Hasn't Phil Collins made enough money off this dreck?
7. Careless Whisper
It would be infinitely more enjoyable to listen to Barry doing unpleasant things to George Michael's private parts than to hear this song again in my lifetime.
8. Right Here Waiting
Richard Marx? What, did you miss getting a mullet back in the 80's, Barry?
9. Arthur's Theme (Best That You Can Do)
Actually, you could've covered another Christopher Cross song, "Sailing," which would've made more sense here. Instead, we get another limp performance of a mediocre movie theme.
10. Hard To Say I'm Sorry
And yet, the apologies should've started nine tracks earlier.
11. Time After Time
OMG - this was actually a great song in the eighties. So, that's three. Three out of...
12. (I've Had) The Time Of My Life
Re-insert 'limp performance of a mediocre movie theme' meme here.
So, what SHOULD Barry have recorded? Out of the twelve songs on this disc, only three were not awful, depraved and uninspired choices. So here are the nine he should've done, in order to claim that greatest of the eighties title.
1. I Melt With You - Modern English
This is one that few people can screw up on a karaoke night. It's low hanging fruit - mainly 'cause everyone else is singing along with you!
2. Relax - Frankie Goes To Hollywood
It's got a good beat, you can dance to it, and you don't have to hide the fact that you love this song.
3. Livin' On a Prayer - Bon Jovi
They had great hair and they rocked us all. 'Nuff said.
4. All She Wants to Do Is Dance - Don Henley
Shake your booty with social commentary.
5. Addicted to Love - Robert Palmer
You could even remake the video for this, but have drag queens instead of ice queens writhing with guitars in the background. It'd be something you could easily restage in Vegas, baby!
6. We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
Get your leathers out of the closet and just go nuts with the makeup, you know you want to.
7. Just A Friend - Biz Markie
The only rap song you could sing better than the original - true that.
8. Eat It - Weird Al Yankovic
Covering two for the price of one, you'll get geek cred and street cred in one shot, plus up your humor quotient.
9. Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For - U2
Could be helpful in explaining to your less-observant fans why you've never married, dude.
BTW, I have a guest post on Nate's blog and you can read it here.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
How to Leave a Voicemail
Why do I hate voicemail? Because it's so rare anyone leaves one that follows these three simple rules:
1. Speak your name (and your company, if you're calling for work) slowly, and enunciate carefully.
2. Briefly explain why you're calling.
3. Say your phone number slowly, enunciating carefully - twice. Be sure to add the area code, just in case (or country code if you're calling from another country).
Why is this so hard? I can't tell you how many people are unintelligible when they leave me a voicemail. They race thru their telephone number (like there's a finish line, and first prize is cake!), they mumble their name, and give you no reason to call them back.
"This is George AweroidoknglksEFffles, call me at eightninethreefourseventytwentylebbensomething."
OK, why? Why in the world would I take the ten minutes to replay the message forty times to get your number (one digit at a time) and sound out your name? There's no reason that I want to talk to you, Mr. Vowel-Movement. And if I did, and I got your voicemail, what do you think I'd be tempted to do?
"This is Tom rqwaNDAshabbiTZLe returning your call. Tag! Try me at eight seven six five four three."
1. Speak your name (and your company, if you're calling for work) slowly, and enunciate carefully.
2. Briefly explain why you're calling.
3. Say your phone number slowly, enunciating carefully - twice. Be sure to add the area code, just in case (or country code if you're calling from another country).
Why is this so hard? I can't tell you how many people are unintelligible when they leave me a voicemail. They race thru their telephone number (like there's a finish line, and first prize is cake!), they mumble their name, and give you no reason to call them back.
"This is George AweroidoknglksEFffles, call me at eightninethreefourseventytwentylebbensomething."
OK, why? Why in the world would I take the ten minutes to replay the message forty times to get your number (one digit at a time) and sound out your name? There's no reason that I want to talk to you, Mr. Vowel-Movement. And if I did, and I got your voicemail, what do you think I'd be tempted to do?
"This is Tom rqwaNDAshabbiTZLe returning your call. Tag! Try me at eight seven six five four three."
That's right - only six digits. How long you think it'll take 'em to figure that out?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Veteran's Day: sadness in my smile
It's been a week since Senator Obama became President-elect Obama, and I have to admit I also am just a little jazzed just to type those words.
But there's a bit of sadness in my smile tonight. Just last year, one of the folks who would've thrilled to see these days passed away. For me and a lot of my family, Uncle Buck was Washington DC.
I don't think Buck was a liberal or conservative; he was pragmatic in his support of politicians, because he'd seen and heard, up close, some of the flaws and foibles of our leaders. Buck himself was a leader, a retired major in the US Army, and well connected in the Pentagon even after his retirement. I never think of our nation's capital without thinking of him and my Aunt Irene. They lived for many years just outside the beltway. Anytime one of the family would be in the area, they'd get the grand tour - or they'd just have a place to lay their head, whatever they needed.
Buck was the best at the beach. He would float among the waves for quite some time; all you would see was his gut and his cigar above the crests. He loved the family gatherings and especially enjoyed tormenting the kids with his white glove inspections and his dictatorial decree that no sand should be brought in by little boys' feet - you had to dunk your feet in the bucket of water that he had stationed outside the doorway before you entered.
Buck had a great love for our country; he fought for it in WW2 and worked for it most of his life. I was there, at the graveside in Arlington, where he laid down his burden. As the horse drawn carriage pulled away, with the smell of the gunpowder from the soldiers' salute still lingering in the air, my eyes were dry. He'd had a marvelous ride and was off on a new adventure, and while we'd all miss him, I knew he wouldn't miss this world all that much.
Until now.
I think Buck would've loved to see Barack Obama win last week, to see the dreams and ideals that he'd fought for his whole life walk right up to the White House and be greeted warmly, invited in, and made to feel at home, in what will very soon be his home. Buck would be e-mailing and calling all sorts of people, friends from forty years ago, neighbors that moved in during the last election, and someone he'd met at the grocery store that afternoon, and he'd've been bursting with pride at what his country can do.
There are a lot of veterans who will be remembered tomorrow. I'll call my father and thank him for his service. I may even get up the gumption to call my father in law, though we've never talked about his time in the service. There are many vets who had paid for this moment of freedom with everything they had, and I will never know all their names or the depths that their families grieved for their loss. I hope they will be remembered by their loved ones on Veteran's Day and honored by those who served with them.
And there is one call that I really do wish I could make, to say thank you just one more time. Just to hear him pick up and bellow "HELLO!" full of spit and vinegar and a deeply studied love of life.
Thanks, Uncle Buck.
But there's a bit of sadness in my smile tonight. Just last year, one of the folks who would've thrilled to see these days passed away. For me and a lot of my family, Uncle Buck was Washington DC.
I don't think Buck was a liberal or conservative; he was pragmatic in his support of politicians, because he'd seen and heard, up close, some of the flaws and foibles of our leaders. Buck himself was a leader, a retired major in the US Army, and well connected in the Pentagon even after his retirement. I never think of our nation's capital without thinking of him and my Aunt Irene. They lived for many years just outside the beltway. Anytime one of the family would be in the area, they'd get the grand tour - or they'd just have a place to lay their head, whatever they needed.
Buck was the best at the beach. He would float among the waves for quite some time; all you would see was his gut and his cigar above the crests. He loved the family gatherings and especially enjoyed tormenting the kids with his white glove inspections and his dictatorial decree that no sand should be brought in by little boys' feet - you had to dunk your feet in the bucket of water that he had stationed outside the doorway before you entered.
Buck had a great love for our country; he fought for it in WW2 and worked for it most of his life. I was there, at the graveside in Arlington, where he laid down his burden. As the horse drawn carriage pulled away, with the smell of the gunpowder from the soldiers' salute still lingering in the air, my eyes were dry. He'd had a marvelous ride and was off on a new adventure, and while we'd all miss him, I knew he wouldn't miss this world all that much.
Until now.
I think Buck would've loved to see Barack Obama win last week, to see the dreams and ideals that he'd fought for his whole life walk right up to the White House and be greeted warmly, invited in, and made to feel at home, in what will very soon be his home. Buck would be e-mailing and calling all sorts of people, friends from forty years ago, neighbors that moved in during the last election, and someone he'd met at the grocery store that afternoon, and he'd've been bursting with pride at what his country can do.
There are a lot of veterans who will be remembered tomorrow. I'll call my father and thank him for his service. I may even get up the gumption to call my father in law, though we've never talked about his time in the service. There are many vets who had paid for this moment of freedom with everything they had, and I will never know all their names or the depths that their families grieved for their loss. I hope they will be remembered by their loved ones on Veteran's Day and honored by those who served with them.
And there is one call that I really do wish I could make, to say thank you just one more time. Just to hear him pick up and bellow "HELLO!" full of spit and vinegar and a deeply studied love of life.
Thanks, Uncle Buck.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Got Filter?
Keeping up with the music biz as well as music itself is important to me, and if you've not reading the Lefsetz Letter, you're missing some good stuff. Just have to pass this on from a recent entry of his, "What If We Had Elections In The Music Business?"
It used to be that the record labels had a function, and that was introducing the public to that next great song or artist. "Look here! This one has made it through our system - nicely packaged, wrapped up in a pretty bow for you! You need not scour the country and listen to all the others, because we've done it for you."
Now we have search engines, and our personal filters (whether they're friends, podcasts, satellite radio, or any of the other ways we find music in our lives), instead of record companies, have become more powerful. We're making the decisions; we're in charge, we're in the driver's seat. Hang on!
This war against consumers is unwinnable. And it’s ruining the business’ economics. The only people who won’t admit this are those with the power, trying so desperately to hold on to it.
But holding on to the old ways, aligning with despised power, got the Republicans neutralized in Congress, going from the majority to the minority. And caused them to lose the Presidency.
John McCain tried to throw the long ball. He signed Sarah Palin. Just like the labels made a deal with MySpace. But just like Sarah was the wrong female, MySpace is the wrong social networking site. And Sarah may be a female, but she was not the woman the female electorate was clamoring for. Women wanted Hillary...
To the degree MySpace is shiny, it’s definitely not what the public wants.It's going to be fascinating to see what happens to music now. There is so much great music being made today, more than at any time in my life, and there's also metric tonnes of total crap out there as well (clogging the tubes). Just when things change, they often stay the same.
Nor is the music being purveyed. All those simpleton Top Forty hits? If not being tuned out in droves, all that’s selling is the track. Labels lamenting single track sales on iTunes is like the Republicans decrying early voting. The tide has turned. Change has come.
It used to be that the record labels had a function, and that was introducing the public to that next great song or artist. "Look here! This one has made it through our system - nicely packaged, wrapped up in a pretty bow for you! You need not scour the country and listen to all the others, because we've done it for you."
Now we have search engines, and our personal filters (whether they're friends, podcasts, satellite radio, or any of the other ways we find music in our lives), instead of record companies, have become more powerful. We're making the decisions; we're in charge, we're in the driver's seat. Hang on!
Personal Milestones
A couple of milestones recently in the personal life:
My Sweetie and I finally got the backporch finished (along with the reflooring of the kitchen – may I recommend tile + bare feet + November for waking up quicker than whiplash) and moving the treadmill out there to use. And then actually getting on the treadmill each day (except for that one day I woke up late, felt like crap and decided to take a day of rest).
Now it’s past the two week point and this morning (OMG yes, I got up at 6am on a Sunday morning – aren’t you jealous?), after an evening out visiting and playing pool with Sarah and Nate (down from KC for the weekend) down in Fayettenam, and I got on the treadmill. Usually music just throws off my rhythm when I’m on the treadmill, so I use that time to listen to my podcasts (this morning, catching up on Sound Opinions).
Well, I’m fifteen minutes into it and I want it to last. There’s the change. I’m not even noticing the clock/counter on the t’mill, it’s just going and I’m going and I feel like I could do another 20 minutes no prob. And then I notice that my speed is up a point. Usually something I’d notice within, say 30 seconds of walking, now I’ve been trotting along for fifteen and just noticed.
So here are two concrete things I’m seeing: stamina’s up and my body is reacting to challenges in a positive manner rather than dragging me down. Both of us are feeling better (and our attitudes are up as well) and doing more. Though the issues with my Dad still exist, though I’ve got a lot of stuff going on at work, though there are a another hundred or so little things nibbling at me every moment of every day (just like everyone else in the world, eh?), I am feeling like I’m riding the crest of the wave instead of trying to race the collapsing tunnel.
Just in case you needed some motivation for your own workout – and if I need to be reminded of what it can feel like, I'll just come back here.
My Sweetie and I finally got the backporch finished (along with the reflooring of the kitchen – may I recommend tile + bare feet + November for waking up quicker than whiplash) and moving the treadmill out there to use. And then actually getting on the treadmill each day (except for that one day I woke up late, felt like crap and decided to take a day of rest).
Now it’s past the two week point and this morning (OMG yes, I got up at 6am on a Sunday morning – aren’t you jealous?), after an evening out visiting and playing pool with Sarah and Nate (down from KC for the weekend) down in Fayettenam, and I got on the treadmill. Usually music just throws off my rhythm when I’m on the treadmill, so I use that time to listen to my podcasts (this morning, catching up on Sound Opinions).
Well, I’m fifteen minutes into it and I want it to last. There’s the change. I’m not even noticing the clock/counter on the t’mill, it’s just going and I’m going and I feel like I could do another 20 minutes no prob. And then I notice that my speed is up a point. Usually something I’d notice within, say 30 seconds of walking, now I’ve been trotting along for fifteen and just noticed.
So here are two concrete things I’m seeing: stamina’s up and my body is reacting to challenges in a positive manner rather than dragging me down. Both of us are feeling better (and our attitudes are up as well) and doing more. Though the issues with my Dad still exist, though I’ve got a lot of stuff going on at work, though there are a another hundred or so little things nibbling at me every moment of every day (just like everyone else in the world, eh?), I am feeling like I’m riding the crest of the wave instead of trying to race the collapsing tunnel.
Just in case you needed some motivation for your own workout – and if I need to be reminded of what it can feel like, I'll just come back here.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
A Change Has Come
Rev. Jesse Jackson, courtesy of the Huffington Post
When I woke my wife this morning, she sleepily asked, “Is Obama still president-elect?” When I assured her he was, according to NPR and all the websites I’d seen so far, she sighed relief. “They didn’t take it away.”
I’m sure there were like-minded individuals that woke up this morning with the same thoughts. “Did this really happen?” “Was it a dream?” And once they wiped the slumber from their eyes and cobwebs from the corners of their head, they realized that it was not a dream anymore.
I know that there are folks on the other side of the coin, too, who woke up with very different feelings. They, like others before them on the day after elections that didn’t go their way, will have to make peace with the fact that their guy lost. Having been one of those others several times in my life, I know it’s not gonna be easy for ‘em for a while. Perhaps that’s why there’s a period of time between election and inauguration, to let people get used to the idea.
Some will be surprised that our president-elect is not really a Muslim. Some may complain that he’s not a socialist like they’d been told. I hope many question their sources of information and become more skeptical, because I have been quite disappointed in the way both sides have been treated during this long, long, LONG election.
I hope that the election of Barack Obama marks an elevation of our national discourse. I hope that it signals a change in how we choose our leaders, not as much of “someone I wanna have a beer with,” but “someone that’s smart enough, tough enough, and strong enough to lead our nation.” I feel that community organizers and community leaders across the country will have just a little more spring in their step as they see one of their own ascend to the highest office in the land. I think that many Americans who have felt disenfranchised or beaten down by the weight of their life will look back on this day as an affirmation of the possibilities of life in the USA.
I am no longer a child, yet I still dream. I still hope. And I’ll continue to hope and dream, and work to make those hopes and dreams come true, because last night I saw a dream become reality for an entire country.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
